Sunday, October 9, 2011


Well tomorrow is officially the scariest day of my life this far. I have experienced anywhere from scary to unexpected and yes, unfortunate. Life experiences are unexpected, no guide book, strategy guide, cheat codes, or life for dummies. So many curve balls, knuckle balls and many foul balls too.
When I was younger, yes kids I'm not that old, I had weird premenitions that I would not and oddly could not see my self live past the age of 30. I have no clue why 30 but I would constantly have nightmares with the same occurring nightmare, same age, and same death. In my dream I was driving coming from Pasadena towards Highland Park on suicide bridge and all was great until my car went out of control, spun out, hit the wall, and down I go. I have still gone through suicide bridge a million times without fear most times never thought about it. I grew up in Highland Park and before Palmdale we lived in Pasadena so that path was used often. I never knew how to interpret that dream, I went through countless dream books, whether it was literal or figurative. I'm nearing 31 this month and when I thought I was in the clear, two and a half weeks ago I hit a wall. I was doing great, feeling great then bam! I felt like I was hit by a big rig truck. Drained, lethargic, dizzy, nauseous, shaky, hot, slow, name it I felt it. So I finally convinced myself to stop being super mom and unfortunately I made my self go to kaiser. Me and kaiser don't get along! Last visit I had a freakn blood transfusion, ugh who gets those? Me of course. I'm severely anemic. Most people say"ah, anemia just take vitamins y ya." Well lucky me my body rejects iron, the key to cure to my type of anemia. So I figured it's linked up this time again. Sure enough kaiser was ready with their box full of viles ready to drain me for lab test. Btw did I mention I'm needle phoebic. After kaiser wrestles with me like a paranoid kid to get my blood from my microscopic veins and drains me of every drop of blood, kaiser says go back to work we'll give you your results. Long story short after two visits to the ER for nearly blacking out I was set up with a specialist. When I asked what was going on with me they referred me to ask my specialist. One Dr. straight out told me "you have cancer." My jaw dropped. Then story changed and went from cancer to you have a kidney stone. What the fuck! Well that's drastic! This time I was told could be leukemia. Not so far fetched from the last doctor. Shit! Then all the secrets with my results I didn't know what to think. People tell me "be more assertive ask questions" what the fuck I'm not a walking vegetable of course I ask questions. I admit at times I really don't have any energy I feel like I'm drained 100%, and the other part I'm scared shitless. This is something I have no clue how to solve. Easy for people to say they didn't just get this life altering news. First thing that came to my mind was the movie "Jhon Q". I compared my experience to that movie when I was told I had cancer then miraculously no, then maybe leukemia, then felt like they brushed me on to the specialist. I know it's different but made me wonder because over all kaiser is only hmo.
Such bad timing. My work is extremely fast paced, my daughters quincenera is in 10 months, I was trying to get in shape for her party but I'm ready for the battle if I do indeed have leukemia. I will find out tomorrow. It's in Gods hands. Thanks to my other half of onion bagel kakakakakahhh ;) , my husband I would be lost. To be continued.....

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