Friday, October 14, 2011

Music to my ears

Well my Dr.s appointment was very frightening. I am grateful my husband went with me even though I was being stubborn about him going with me. This building was not the usual building that I was use to so it took a few minutes to figure it out. Once we found the actual room that, couldn't of been more frightening. We walked in and a BIG cancer sign on one wall BONE MARROW on the other wall. CRAP! We walked up to the counter checked in and sat down. One bald person after another all wearing horrible wigs :( Each name that was called my heart felt as it was going to jump out of my mouth. I felt so sick to my stomach, in my case sicker to my stomach. Finally a nurse asked me if I had an appointment, after all this anticipation they freakn forgot me. We didn't wait long after that. I went to the back alone at first to check my vitals. WOW! These nurses actually were sweet and compationate. This was becoming rare to these frequent visits to Kaiser. The nurse knew I was scared shitless and she grabbed my hand and told me everything will be fine. The first blood pressure read was super high, I explained again how scared I was. She told me to breathe along with her for a few minutes then we retested. Much better. Now it was time to go to the "room". She asked me if I wanted to let my husband in, so I went to get him. We were now both sitting in the exam room waiting for "the knock" and sure enough, there it was. I almost had to check the floor to see if I accidentally barfed out my rapidly beating heart. In walked the Dr. And his intern assistant. Great thing was he came in with some knowledge about my condition what?? A Dr. That actually reads my file before the consultation?,Whoa impressive. Usually with kaiser, by this point you have repeated yourself over the phone while making your appointment, the person at the front desk, the vital nurse then your Dr. Asking " what brings you in today?". This time,so far the experiance has been good. Since he knew what my symptoms were he just elaborated more on the possibilities of my condition and actually pinpointed many of my symptoms. Then examined me a bit while hitting the nail on the head with my symptoms, like he actually was a real Dr., he then sat down viewed my previous results and said "definately not leukemia" my heart fluttered. Best news in a long, long time. I felt weightless. Just when I was floating on cloud nine and anything else said was a blur he of course said I required MORE blood test. As much as I hate blood test at this point I didn't care I was just told I wasn't dying!, well not this way at least or soon. Off to the blood lab I went and still on cloud nine. My husband and I then informed family then celebrated at a cheapy chinese resturaunt. This was a very, great day.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Well tomorrow is officially the scariest day of my life this far. I have experienced anywhere from scary to unexpected and yes, unfortunate. Life experiences are unexpected, no guide book, strategy guide, cheat codes, or life for dummies. So many curve balls, knuckle balls and many foul balls too.
When I was younger, yes kids I'm not that old, I had weird premenitions that I would not and oddly could not see my self live past the age of 30. I have no clue why 30 but I would constantly have nightmares with the same occurring nightmare, same age, and same death. In my dream I was driving coming from Pasadena towards Highland Park on suicide bridge and all was great until my car went out of control, spun out, hit the wall, and down I go. I have still gone through suicide bridge a million times without fear most times never thought about it. I grew up in Highland Park and before Palmdale we lived in Pasadena so that path was used often. I never knew how to interpret that dream, I went through countless dream books, whether it was literal or figurative. I'm nearing 31 this month and when I thought I was in the clear, two and a half weeks ago I hit a wall. I was doing great, feeling great then bam! I felt like I was hit by a big rig truck. Drained, lethargic, dizzy, nauseous, shaky, hot, slow, name it I felt it. So I finally convinced myself to stop being super mom and unfortunately I made my self go to kaiser. Me and kaiser don't get along! Last visit I had a freakn blood transfusion, ugh who gets those? Me of course. I'm severely anemic. Most people say"ah, anemia just take vitamins y ya." Well lucky me my body rejects iron, the key to cure to my type of anemia. So I figured it's linked up this time again. Sure enough kaiser was ready with their box full of viles ready to drain me for lab test. Btw did I mention I'm needle phoebic. After kaiser wrestles with me like a paranoid kid to get my blood from my microscopic veins and drains me of every drop of blood, kaiser says go back to work we'll give you your results. Long story short after two visits to the ER for nearly blacking out I was set up with a specialist. When I asked what was going on with me they referred me to ask my specialist. One Dr. straight out told me "you have cancer." My jaw dropped. Then story changed and went from cancer to you have a kidney stone. What the fuck! Well that's drastic! This time I was told could be leukemia. Not so far fetched from the last doctor. Shit! Then all the secrets with my results I didn't know what to think. People tell me "be more assertive ask questions" what the fuck I'm not a walking vegetable of course I ask questions. I admit at times I really don't have any energy I feel like I'm drained 100%, and the other part I'm scared shitless. This is something I have no clue how to solve. Easy for people to say they didn't just get this life altering news. First thing that came to my mind was the movie "Jhon Q". I compared my experience to that movie when I was told I had cancer then miraculously no, then maybe leukemia, then felt like they brushed me on to the specialist. I know it's different but made me wonder because over all kaiser is only hmo.
Such bad timing. My work is extremely fast paced, my daughters quincenera is in 10 months, I was trying to get in shape for her party but I'm ready for the battle if I do indeed have leukemia. I will find out tomorrow. It's in Gods hands. Thanks to my other half of onion bagel kakakakakahhh ;) , my husband I would be lost. To be continued.....

Saturday, October 8, 2011

What's in my grandmas purse?

Today my grandma had some running around to do and asked if I can drop off her purse at her house. I put her nearly 10lb purse in my trunk. Wow, grandma what do you have in your purse, rocks? She giggled slightly ran back to her purse to pull out one more thing before I shut my trunk. She left with a handful her keys, check book, cell phone and sun glasses, so what else could she have in this enormous bottomless pit? I got to her house and I nearly forgot her mega bag, so I had to send my daughter back down stairs to get it. My daughter placed that monstrosity on the table but of course toppled over as I walked by sighhhh and all that wondering went away that quick. All I can think of in a flash in my mind was that stupid pharmacy commercial where that woman pulls out the pharmacist out of her purse. Scattered all over the floor was handful of rubber bands those nasty brown ones, napkins, sugar, smashed honey packs, jelly for toast, stale candy with lint, tylenol with lint, pens maybe about 15 of them, post its, menus, actual rocks those glittery ones, half of cookie in a napkin, apple seeds in a napkin I think, tons of random business cards, crumbled paper, a salt shaker so much more but the weird thing was I didn't know whether to toss the nasty stuff away or put it back in. I was torn because all she asked was take it home. Crazy thing is I'm at my grandmas house enough that I clean her home to help her out, she can have a corner of junk like requerdos from numerous weddings, quinceneras, baby showers etc. and I accidentally dropped one in the trash can and she would call me out knowing which exactly was "missing" I felt bad after the first few times that I would just hide them until she asked then it would magically appear. As bad as I felt putting everything back in I still got in trouble she thought I went digging in her purse because she noticed things out of place. I began to explain it fell but didn't get many words through. Ugh I never win!

Thank you

You are a freakn forty something year old woman with nothing going for
yourself, but you try to lecture me?
You have a degree on this and that and have nothing to show for and you're lecturing me?
 You tell me not to spoil myself to spend wisely but you live with your mom rent free,
when she is struggling on living on her dead husbands life insurance
and social security and you're lecturing me?
You work for the police department and they teach people to be careful with Internet predators
and you claim you're in love with some odd ball from Greece that you
visited once and he bailed on you and you're lecturing me?
You yell at my kids when I got really sick telling them "your mom is stupid for not going to the
hospital" and you're nearing 400 lbs and dying from diabetes and
You're lecturing me?
Enough is enough, these are only this months
complaints, sit back and let me tell you about me bitch!
Ya I had my
first kid at 16, I graduated high school, worked two jobs, took some
college courses, moved out took care of my daughter, met my husband of
now, had a son, struggled, got a government job, steady worked for six
years, bought a home, brand new car and now living and you go on
lecturing me?
You don't even know me. Same family blood runs through
our veins but you are not me, you don't know me, you have no right to
judge me,you know something... something  wonderful came  about all  your kind words, people like
you come a dime a dozen in this family you have made me stronger.
Thank you Tia, I forgive you but most of all I'm sorry you don't see

UGHH ! You are such an ugly Person!

You get here late.
 As you walk through the doorway, the walls, and the pathway you
stride on all turn black.
Your presence, your aura, your face is
filled with an eerie, dark, hateful, black cloud.
 Your interest are done to only benefit yourself.
You have proved time and time again your meaningless attempts to be a person.
 I have come to the conclusion that you will only live in the shadows of a person you want
to become because you will never achieve even that.
 There's no wonder how or why society has allowed you to float around like a plague
better yet a parasite.
Karma makes it's rounds and when it decides to
plant it self into your weak, dead beat, rotting bed, you can count
your blessings that no one will have pitty on you.
 You wear a million masks but I can see through every
single one.
Just know you will always be alone in the sea of a hundred
friends because they too see right through you.
You are a self
centered, inconsiderate bitch!
  Why don't you just go make another bed
of needles and leave someone elses' life alone.
Stop leaching on other peoples happiness and leaving behind your black slime trail.
 Just accept your grim, sad excuse for a life and move on with out tainting
every one that crosses your path or don't try to bring us down with
you and you're misery because you can count us out to accompany you.
Ugh you are such an ugly person!